What is spirituality to me ?

To begin…

  Like everyone else, we are all or at least most of us are born into a religion. Whether you believe in that religion or not is entirely based on your experience and personal opinion. Me, being raised in the south, I was born into christanity. Now, my parents were 17 and 19 when they had me, so religion was not a huge deal when I was a kid. Yes, I did participate in a baptist church and yes, I was raised reading the bible and praying over my meals. Did I entirely understand what it was for or about? No, but neither do some adults who have been raised as christans their entire life. As I grew older my faith in god did as well. I took on reading the bible on my own and I prayed to god evernight before I went to sleep. Although my consistency in going to church was not at all consistent I still believed in my heart so deeply that even if I didn’t go god still loved me just as much as everyone else in my town. 

Then came 8th grade middle school, I was a good kid, I had a good childhood and my parents did the best they could. Let me explain. I grew up in a very small town, everyone’s business was word to mouth and if you were middle class and could obtain nice materialistic things then you were basically a celebrity. So, me being lower class, not having nice shiny clothes and shoes or even the best ride to school. I was very overlooked. That didn’t matter to me though, I just wanted to be a kid. Around this time my parents relationship hit a high then a very hard slow dragging low. Long story short, to save myself from typing a novel and from a headache. Some lies were told, arguments happened, people made some phone calls and boom, me and my younger sister were snatched out of school and placed into an even smaller country town without the realization of what the hell was even going on.

Foster Care

I think it’s a great place for kids who actually need it. We did not. The family we were placed with had their own flaws as well but overall no one got hurt and we got fed everynight before bed so all was well physically. Mentally, I was a wreck. I cried and begged God to just give me a sign of why. Why out of all people did I have to experience such pain and for a 14 year old girl it was quite traumatizing. Anyways, now that you know more about my childhood than any therapist does lets get on to what made me lose my faith in christanity and how that allowed me to step into my own path.

Like I said I questioned god and he never answered me, but I continued to pray every night for a way back home and soon enough my sister and I were living with my grandparents and could see our mom and dad whenever. So why did you lose faith you might ask? He answered my prayers right? Right. Well not exactly. During that time of hurt, no one was there to guide me through these emotions. Not only that, with the at-home events going on before this and the cruel children at school who bullied me for being that poor kid, I was already very suicidal and self harmed. It took me about another year or two of just living and getting back to my old life that I noticed I stopped praying. The thought of god never popped into my head not once. I guess being numb from all the trauma then developing depression and anxiety I was too distracted to even worry about a belief system. I was in complete survival mode from the age 14 to 16. Trying to win a battle in my brain everyday of if i’m even worthy of being on this planet and if my existence mattered. Then to question if I was worthy of god? Would god think I failed him? Am I going to be judged and punished then sent to hell because of all these events that pushed me into a balck hole of uncertainty with no control over what happened.

Giving up

So, I was overwhelmed and just gave up. I no longer cared if god thought I was worthy enough to enter his kingdom. Something in my brain decided there was no higher power that there was nothing but pain and suffering. In the end when you die, you get to rest. That is how you are rewarded. I went on to believe this until my tenth grade year of high school. During that time I solely focused on not letting these negative thoughts in my brain win and I started to be thankful for everyday because if there was nothing after death then I didn’t want to leave anytime soon.

Reaching within

I’m now at my ending years of high school, eleventh grade, soon to be a senior. I have been down so many rabbit holes, watching hour long youtube videos on this journey of self healing and this was also the year I was diagnosed with adhd. How lovely? I didn’t really know spirituality was a thing quite yet. I just knew that my mind, body, and soul were to be protected at all cost and that I was a part of a huge collective, I like to call the universe. I knew I had spirit guides, I became more in touch with my intuition, I practiced meditation like I was going to win an olympic gold medal for it. I even would thoroughly write down all my negative thoughts and triggers just to be more self aware and turn all bad into good for myself. Not knowing I was actively doing shadow work. I chose to look for answers within myself instead of praying and hoping god would solve my problems. I learned to fish and eat for a lifetime. I found good soil, watered my own garden, and grew food without making a sacrifice in return. My perspective on life was no longer negative. I still didn’t know what life after death was but I knew that every day I woke up healthy and looked after my own well being, transforming into my best self that it wouldn’t matter what happens then because all that mattered was now. I was so proud and thankful everyday.

In conclusion

I graduated high school and life got even more hard. I didn’t know what I wanted, I had still gone through hard times with friends and boys, people still hurt me, but still I never looked up at the sky and asked why. I looked into myself and into them and knew that they had battles just like me, that if something wasn’t for me then it would soon leave. I had all faith that if it was for me and my higher purpose then it would come. I learned about divine guidance and timing. I taught myself about manifesting and becoming more with the resources around and within me. I learned how everyone has a daramah and a soul purpose. I learned about the conscious and subconscious levels of the brain and how self was just a physical being on earth. How we are all the universe just experiencing itself. I dove into reading books online and watching so many videos just to teach myself how to be my higher self, my best self. To have the best version of life on this planet that I could have without worrying about who is going to plead me worthy enough when my time comes because all that matters is that I am worthy enough for myself. I am somebody and no matter if I ended up alone in the end or if I still continued to feel surfuring and pain, I would be okay, because I could take care of myself.

I soon began to take an approach to religion as if it were a fishbowl and spirituality as it is the ocean. Christanity, in my opinion, is a limited belief system with rules and regulations. I asked God why this was my problem and if he could fix it, instead of myself. Spirituality gives you free reign to steer your horse in any direction you please, to praise your mind, body, and soul, not a god who creates suffering and tests you to see if you’re worthy. Religion to me is to be judged, to live in fear. Spirituality to me is to be open minded, self loving, and free.